An honest story of hope and healing from a terrible hard

    OK. I have struggled with whether I should post this. I have prayed a lot... and the Lord keeps giving me the prompt and peace to do this. Not only does it have me giving my timeline to others... it is a hard that we must face, confront, and do something about. Some of you know this story, and a lot of you know bits and pieces.... hang in there with me. I'm not trying to be redundant.This is a hard subject, but one that MUST be addressed..... Sexual abuse, Domestic Violence and Sex Trafficking... yeah.... I said hard subject. Women and children in our country, states and cities.

    This is some of my story mixed in with some other stuff.....

 I recently watched a documentary, "In Plain Sight....stories of hope and freedom." It was a powerful documentary on women that had been sex trafficked, but for some of them this was not the beginning thing. There were precursors, tells, and risk factors.

 Now this is where my story comes in. I had all or most of the precursors happen, but by the grace of God that did not end up being my story...... but there was terrible abuse. So let's look at that.

   I am going to give you a timeline of the precursors that put me at risk, and why I am so thankful that sex trafficking did not end up being my story. Lots of details of my life are coming out here, but my story has been refined and redeemed by Jesus, so don't worry..... I write a story of hope.

   Trauma one. At six years old, I was molested by a neighbor.... a friend's dad. After about a year.... I think... timelines get fuzzy from that time in my life... after all it has been thirty two years. Well after about a year I just could not keep it a secret anymore. My brothers were babysitting me.... I told them. I remember them sitting with me while I spilled my guts. Boy was that a relief after holding it in for what seems like an eternity for a little six year old.

    As I watched the interviews... this was the women's starting point to their entrapment. The point is..... it messes up your view of what sex is. As a six year old... I had so much guilt, I felt dirty, I thought it was my fault, and I thought something was wrong with me.

    We must get these children counseling, give them a chance to talk through things, and reassure them that this was in NO WAY something they caused.

    It took me a long time to heal. I can honestly say that the Lord has done this. He is in the redeeming business. He brings beauty out of our hard. He brings beauty and healing so that we can help others.

    Now back to the timeline...

   Now trauma number two... In my early teens... I was raped. Now it was not a situation where it was a stranger or real violent in comparison to what you think of... or hear of it in the news or shows. But it was one more thing that made my self-esteem suffer. It reinforced that it was my fault, this is how you got attention, and that for some reason this was normal.

   Now I want to make it clear. I come from a good home. Please know that.... that is very important to me for you to hear! I love my family. This was not because of them.

    Number three... I also had older men make advances. In a sick way... I thought that was normal. I thought that was how it was supposed to be. Now... I didn't have anything happen until fifteen from those advances from one of the men.

    Introduce trauma number four: a big loss. My best friend at the time was killed in a car wreck... B was an artist. She brought a lot of life and excitement to my life. We weren't the best combination for each other, but at that time it brought a lot of "fun." I had never had a big loss like that. But more importantly... let me explain that there is more to the story.... We had lied to our parents that night. We weren't supposed to be with certain people that were part of our group. We all said we were going to the movies... we just conveniently left out that others were coming, and that we weren't going to the movies. We just wanted to hang out, get some fireworks, and go for a drive. so when we had picked everyone up... we headed out. Oh, one more thing... B's parents did not want her to go. They wanted a family night. She completely dismissed them and left. I will always regret just standing by..... I was very selfish. As a fifteen year old I didn't see that. Hindsight is 20/20.

 So on with the story. We went and bought fireworks. We had to go by one of my friend's house. His stepbrother was twenty-three. He decided to go with us, but he met us a block away with his car. This is where trauma number five comes in... I'll explain that in a little bit.

    When it was time for me to get home we headed to my house. I had to be home first. B had told me she was going to stay at my house, but when we pulled up she decided to go home to talk with her parents. A block away they dropped off the twenty-three year old stepbrother. When they headed out from there.... In 3.5 short blocks... all of our lives would change dramatically.... you see there was another car of teenagers that are still unknown today. The two cars started racing. The car with my friends went out of control and hit a phone pole. The other car just kept driving. B was instantly killed, one of my friends flew out of the car and landed on his face and head, the driver had hit his head. (now before you judge.... that could have been any of us driving. Any one of us would have done it.)

    Now later it would be "claimed" that I was in the other car. I was not. I would not ever drive away from my friends when they were hurt. I could not and would not have done that. Not saying that I would not have raced... but there is no possible way I would drive away. This is still... as far as I know) what they still think. That just added way more to deal with.

    The survivors guilt that comes with that is huge. Why was it not me instead? Why didn't she just stay at my house? WHY, WHY, WHY?

   Now enter trauma number five. Domestic violence perpetrators are very patient in the beginning. This is where it all begins. The twenty-three year old stepbrother was that guy to me. They groom you. They begin to start putting in your head how much they care, how you are beautiful, how they above everyone else love you, need you, and desire you. In a time of deep loss you are so very vulnerable.

   And so it began.... at first it was just the "friend" giving support. Picking me up to go see my friend that was in ICU, going to Lawrence to get a gift for my friend (that actually didn't happen), getting me away to the lake for a breather, a drink here and there to "help" with the grief, supplying cigarettes (which I "needed" back then). It then led to being taken on an overnight. This is where the sexual abuse component came into play. After that... alienation from others. Telling lies about others not caring... you see you believe it because of the grooming. He has isolated you, provided things, promised the world, said he loves you, and the physical component just seals the deal. You are connected... so you think. False intimacy will make you think that. After all, the other traumas have taught you that this is normal.This is how these personal and intimate relationships work.


   Then the abuse starts. My first slap was because I told someone I liked a country song. He didn't like that. He said I should't like country. I told him I didn't.... that's not what I said. I just said it wasn't my favorite. Come on.... everyone liked Garth Brooks and George Straight back in the early '90's. They played it on pop stations. 😎 But he interpreted that I lied, and he was determined to be in control.

   It just escalated from there. I was choked, kicked, beat with a metal pole, raped, my family was threatened... my tiny nephew, and emotionally abused. My thought was... I made this bed... now I have to lie in it. I could never allow my family to be hurt. You see your abuser becomes so big to you that you feel no one can help. That was the worst one. Even after the other things heal.... you still hear their voice. That took longer then the other stuff.... but it did heal!

   Now this is where my point comes in. This situation results in either one way or another. This is the point where your abuser will either start sex trafficking you or keep you from harm from anyone but themselves. I can not say how very thankful I am that my abuser did the latter. He protected me from every other person that was around us.... just not himself. Now I know what you're thinking. Protect? Yes. That is the way I see it. Not because of some good he chose..... but in his selfishness... it protected me from the other.

    Years later when I was working as a hospice nurse.... my abuser was a patient. He was 34. He was dying of liver failure. Alcohol will do that to you. I went into his room. He couldn't believe it was me. He apologized.... truly apologized for everything. When I asked, "Why?" He replied, "Because I could make you anything I wanted." There is the clincher. That is what they want.

    But when I think of the women and children who are not protected from others. Sold for sex. Unable to get out. It breaks my heart. It all does, but this part grieves me the most.

   People generally say.... just get out. Just walk away. It is not that easy. Your abuser has made you completely dependent on them, threatened everyone you love, threatened your very life. You have become dependent on them... and in a sick way need them.

   Often they will get the victims hooked on drugs or alcohol. This provides some sense of relief from it all. Thankfully this was not the case for me. My addiction was the desperate need for him, and the thought that I could change him. Save him. Because the honeymoon phase after the beatings are wonderful. I lived for those times. I would even in later years provoke the violent part to get to the honeymoon phase. Crazy?!?!  I know.

   Well, it came to an end. When I was 20. Five years after it all started.... I out grew him. I had a good job. I knew nursing school was my goal. My light bulb moment was after a beating... I miscarried my baby. I was the only one that knew I was pregnant. I was in a basement apartment... in a horrible part of town with no phone... and no way to get anywhere. I have truly never felt more alone in my life, but that is where the hope comes in.

   I realized that I was not alone. The Lord Jesus was with me. This was my rock bottom. This was when I surrendered my life to the Savior of the world. This is where I said, "I am done running. I want, need, and believe in You, and your death on the cross to save me from my sins.

    Now I am sure there are some of you that will think..... If God is so loving.... why did he let this happen? Why does he let anything bad happen? Well... that is a good question.This is where free will comes in. We are human, sinners, we make mistakes. I've told a lie before. Have you? Sin. We have our own mind. We can make a choice. Others can make choices that effect us. This grieves Jesus. It breaks his heart. But he is not a Savior that pushes himself on us. He lets us make the choice. He came to give a free gift of eternal salvation. But with a gift.... we have to accept it.

   John 8:36 "If the Son (Jesus) sets you free, you are free indeed."

   Acts 16:31 "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved."

    Now... after all I had put my family through. I called my dad that night from a pay phone at a gas station. I said, "I'm done dad. Can I come home?" My dad's response, "Absolutely!" His prodigal and much prayed for daughter was coming home.

    I had a safe place to go. I had somewhere where people loved me and would help me heal.

   Most people coming out of Sex Trafficking or abuse don't have a safe place to go. A lot of them have been in this terrible business and abuse since they were children or young teenagers, or for so long that all other connections are cut off. Some have been sold into it by their families.

   But there is hope. There are homes being built around the country. (Not as quick as they are needed,  not as quick as I'd like) That are a place to go to heal. They let the victims start to process and slowly heal. There is no quick fix.They allow them to live there for free, be loved... the real kind, to find self worth, work through their trust issues, find out their own interests, and discover who they are...... the list goes on.

   Here in town the Rescue Mission has a program, Restore Hope. I don't know a lot of details, but I do know there is a big need here and in surrounding areas.

   Involvement is different for everybody... for me who is in my wheelchair and home a lot.... I can pray. Prayer is powerful. Those on the front lines need us backing them on our knees. This is a valuable and important work. My dad had people praying for me all five years. Some people I am still meeting after 18 years of being out of the situation. You can donate clothes and things to programs that help these victims. The safe places are run entirely on donations. You can also get involved in the actual work by contacting the organizations. The list is truly endless.

    I guess what I am saying is this. I have had people say to me... "I would never have guessed you had gone through all those things. You don't look like someone who would be a person who goes through all the abuse that you have been through."

    My point is...... it can happen to anyone. Regardless of race, socioeconomic background, or social status. There could be people that you rub shoulders with everyday that are going through abuse, or being trafficked that show no signs... because survival is key. And then there are ones that you can absolutely read the signs of domestic abuse, sexual abuse, and being trafficked.

    We need to learn these signs. We need to get involved. We need to protect, chat, and educate our kids. We need to look out for their friends that could be at risk. We need to live with our eyes open!

    This is an epidemic. It is happening everywhere. I live in a smaller city (or big town) in the Midwest. A huge sex trafficking ring was just busted in a nice neighborhood here. The neighbors had no clue. Please don't think this is not happening in your area. In Middle America. A woman was just killed the other day by her ex-husband in front of her kids here in town. Please don't think this is not happening in your area. I know this is terrible and uncomfortable stuff. I know it stinks to face it. But it is real. It is happening.

    Please know that there are women and men in abusive relationships that you know.... we get very good at hiding it, and often our abusers get very good at not leaving marks that you can not cover with clothing.

    There is hope! There is healing! I am proof of that.

  Jesus said.... "I have come to give them life, and to give it abundantly."

    As a survivor of domestic violence and sexual abuse..... it is everywhere. We need you to watch out for it..... not bury our heads in the sand. We need you to understand that it is so incredibly hard to leave at all... much less.... not return. We need you to hang in there with us.

     It's possible to heal. It takes time, but it is possible. Survivors and victims... do not lose hope. I have a life today that I never in my life could have imagined happening! Jesus has restored the years the locusts had eaten. He can for you as well!!!

    My name is Anne. I am a survivor of horrific abuse. I now see that Jesus has brought beauty out of ashes. Out of the worst hard... has come good. For nothing is wasted unless we allow it to be!!!


These are humble words the Lord has put on my heart. My experience. My story.